Welcome and Derailed
Welcome to Mothers’ Voices, a blog from Mothers & More. It’s about moms supporting each other by sharing their stories and experiences. We are not publishing this because we have all the answers. Instead, we want to have a dialogue. We are better off together than apart, and we’re hoping that some of the stories that we post will resonate with you, and that you’ll participate in the dialogue and share them with your friends.
The things we will be writing about are the kinds of things we talk about at our local Mothers & More meetings. This blog will help us to make those conversations accessible to everyone. I’ll start with a story I told just the other night.
Gina M. Earles, CEO and member of Boulder County Chapter 209
Derailed
I remember, before kids, that I would get derailed in my life maybe once every couple months – a car would break down, or my electricity would go out, so I wouldn’t wake up in time and miss a meeting. I’d get sick or hurt. One of those things would cause an unraveling that required attention. Meetings would be rescheduled. Deadlines extended. I’d find someone to cover me – to be home for the oven repair or to pick up the critical dry cleaning.
Now, I am derailed every day, sometimes several times every day. One day, it’s a sick kid just when the other one needs me to be at school. Next time, it’s the middle school map project (I’m almost finished, mom) that turns into a 6-hour marathon needing my help just when I thought we would quietly work side-by-side, sipping tea. (Can you tell I’m still bitter?) Glasses snapped in two when we are already late…
Today, I had a car in the shop. Derailed, but I had a plan. I put my bike on the car, drove 30 minutes to the shop and rode 5 miles to the first of my planned wifi-enabled tea shops and lunch stops. So far so good. I even got a bit of exercise. But then, on the way to stop two, flat tire – no spare. I wasn’t even in my own town, so I couldn’t call for backup. Two hours later, a walk to a bus to a bike shop and then a long, wandering (yes, I got lost) ride back to where I was supposed to be. Derailed again, but back on track.
I opted out of a conference call to focus on what needed to get done, then headed back to the car shop. They knew when I needed my car, so I could pick up my son. Was it ready? Nope. Derailed again, 30 minutes from home. After several calls and texts, my Super Friend came through. Son was saved and even got frozen yogurt!
Luckily, I have a LOT of flexibility in my job. I mean, who understands all of this more than Mothers & More, right? But still I will find myself working late tonight to make up for it. My family time will suffer; my “me” time is gone. And really, working at night is not the best for me, so I’ll have to fight the fuzzy-head demons.
But what about those of us in less flexible situations? How can we manage the derailed days and still have the careers we crave, that nourish us and our bank accounts? Or how do we maintain time for ourselves as individuals and members of our communities? How do you do it? Please let me know by leaving a comment, and welcome to the Mothers’ Voices blog, a blog for all of us.
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8:46 AM on September 15th, 2011
Oh Gina! What a great way to describe it, “derailed”! I say that I like to do things in a line: get up shower, drink coffee, eat breakfast, get prettier, leave the house….It looks more like the Family Circus footpath cartoons now than a straight line. What a day you had. Thank you for sharing. As far as how to fix it? Accept it. Or that is what They say, right? LOL!
8:53 AM on September 15th, 2011
I truly sympathize with you! I remember the days where I worked, had my daughter in daycare, and could not rely on my husband because he was either deployed or working a 48 hour duty post. He couldn’t be reached at work nor take a personal call unless I was dying (literally). I also didn’t have a friend or a close family member for help (this is before I joined M&M). I remember it was a true nightmare when the daycare would demand that I pick up my daughter due to a stomach virus. But kudos to you for finding a solution to your problem!
9:17 AM on September 15th, 2011
Derailed is a great way to describe it. Sometimes it is a small derailment – a call comes in and breaks my focus, the trash needs taking out, a stop light that changes just before I get to it.
Often it is my neatly planned out schedule that has to shift and change as meetings are rescheduled or conflicts arise. Flexibility is the key for me. And having the support of friends to help with the transportation needs that occur with the changes. Derailment has helped me teach my kids the value of prioritization and time management as well – some strong life skills.
9:54 AM on September 15th, 2011
Great post Gina!
I remember Stephen Covey Seven author of “Habits of Highly Successful People” used to call those derailments “unexpected interruptions” or something like that. I work at home so I have flexibility but even so, when i have this “plan” in my head of what I want to accomplish that day and something happens to derail my plans, I try to go with the flow more than I used to. This is easier with only a 13 year old who is at school all day. When she was little at home, not so easy to “go with the flow!!” I think you nailed it by pointing out what DID go right and how you when circumstances change, sometimes “unexpected opportunities” surface. – Laura
11:01 AM on September 15th, 2011
Derailed or being derailed is a good metaphor for the lives of us all, but especially for mothers as the primary caregiver in our families. The consequences for being derailed range from juggling school pick up and finding back-up, to our days work extending into night – to being derailed with finality: being fired for work absences taken to care for a sick self or child. (Heard today that a mother was fired while on leave to donate a kidney to her kid?)
Did everyone hear that Seattle just passed sick and safe leave? Safe leave is for women who are derailed by domestic violence.
In my life the lesson to my kids and myself is that sometimes despite the best time management we have to scramble, I was running late yesterday and two friends called to see if they could help bring my daughter home.
So many of us have networks of immense strength and social capital. This village is so essential, helping us to be resilient and resourceful. A system that understands that derailment happens and that there are times when plans need to be changed, work can wait, is a just framework. It is an illusion to think that we are always in control, or can be.
I like thinking that derailment is something that leads to other opportunities like == yogurt == that would not have happened otherwise: an unrealized open door.
11:03 AM on September 15th, 2011
I personally think I need to have more patience for these derailments. It’s hard once your concentration is broken to get back into the swing of things. And I need to set up better time management and prioritize better. That way I am less frazzled and stressed.
11:22 AM on September 15th, 2011
Great post, Gina. I couldn’t do it in my not-so-flexible work environment. I have a degree in biochemistry and I can tell you that lab life is not conducive to family life. I had to leave my job when I had my second child; my family needed me. Now I’m trying to start my own business, to have the flexibility and career I crave, but it’s so hard to find the time. You can read my blog on the subject here: http://www.childcarect.com/blog/why_I_created_ChildCareCT
4:03 PM on September 15th, 2011
I agree, “derailed” is a great way to describe it. Having a son with special needs has made me learn to stop and look at a situation and decide what I really need to accomplish. I find I often have plans for how I’d like things to go, but life has other plans. When that happens, I have to stop and think, “Now what?” Somehow there’s always an answer, and I just have to keep going.
As mothers, I think we get to be quite talented at staying ahead of some things that can derail our day – “Masters of Plan B.” It is definitely helpful to have a job and/or boss who values your commitment to being a mom. I ended up changing my job in order to be able to manage better.
5:49 PM on September 15th, 2011
wow….derailed….perfect word to describe it. Thank you.
I’m learning the importance of accepting “derailment” after having my second child. My first child who is 13 has a syndrome so there weren’t the typical things on a daily basis to do that one does with a regular child. Now with my 2 1/2 year old who requires a different kind of attention, I can see that scheduling and derailing that schedule is simply a way of life! The quicker I get it that things are going to change, I need to be flexible and keep breathing while its happening, the quicker I will de stress a bit. So thank you for putting it into perspective. Its not the end of the world…its simply derailing!
6:12 AM on September 16th, 2011
Great microcosm of our mom lives, Gina! As someone who used to like to get absorbed in her work for hours on end, being a mother has certainly changed my way of working. I have always referred to it as being “distracted” but the impact does often feel like derailment! Can’t wait for more on the blog!
3:43 PM on September 16th, 2011
Perhaps the word of the day is “derailleur,” an homage to Gina’s bike solution – “a bicycle mechanism that moves the chain out and up, allowing it to shift to different cogs.” More and more, Plan B is becoming just as likely as Plan A. I love Jen’s “Master of Plan B” and might just put that down as my “occupation” next time I fill out a form.
6:45 AM on September 17th, 2011
Similar to Joanne, I think I have accepted that we may be in a constant state of possible “derailment” Realizing that most of us face similar issues helps. Thanks for the post! We often rely on humor and find victory in how we overcome setbacks. A good maintenance plan is always a great idea too (exercise, fun, enjoyment and breaks where one can grab them…) to hopefully avoid having to go in for repairs! Eeeek.
1:59 AM on November 5th, 2011
This was a helpful blog and I have been there! I’d like to know what kinds of flexible work you mothers do as I am looking for work now. I have done some marketing project work, but don’t know how to go about finding a job after being out of the workforce for several years. Also new to area. Thanks!