Mentor Moms

by Laura Owens

This article originally appeared in the June 2009 issue of Forum.

Whether we are new mothers terrified to leave the house with a colicky two-month-old or seasoned moms juggling a family while running the corporate office or volunteering, at some point in our parenting, personal or professional life we all look to other mothers for support, knowledge and inspiration. Who wouldn’t want a sage and selfless guide to help her navigate the turbulent waters of motherhood and life? Many of us crave a compassionate and strong female advocate who will take us under her wing, not as an act of ego, but to help us avoid the pitfalls of combining motherhood and our other roles.

What is a “mom mentor”?

“Mentor” is defined as a wise and trusted counselor or teacher. A mom mentor isn’t just a friend or a confidante, although she could be. She goes one step beyond “friendship” to inspire or encourage others. A mom mentor may be the woman who reaches out to one, quiet mom in her playgroup—or she may inspire a crowd of 500. She is someone who, through her positive attitude, actions, experience and words, presents an image of tremendous compassion and empowerment. She doesn’t have to be older or have more children; she only has to have experience in an area that interests you plus a willingness to share what she’s learned about raising kids and managing other areas of her life.

A mom mentor doesn’t try to appear infallible. She doesn’t strive for a glossy magazine representation of how motherhood “should” look or feel, nor does she throw out unsolicited parenting advice. You never feel “less” when you’re around her, even if she always seems to have her act together. A mom mentor doesn’t present an unshakable image or lack vulnerability. She never judges. She is a notably “real” person with real flaws who won’t mind telling you about them. Essentially, a mom mentor is whomever you decide she is.

Tara Brettholtz, of Southern Saratoga, NY Chapter 310, suggests, “I feel like there are enough ‘experts’ out there telling me how to be a good mom. But every once in a while, you’re lucky enough to meet a woman who really shows you how it’s done, and the ‘how it’s done’ might surprise you.”

“A mom mentor’s real value is that she’s not a theoretical expert, but a practical one. When you tell her my kid did ‘x, y, z’ she usually just laughs,” says Dru Van Doren, an unchaptered member from Colorado.

One inspiring example for Brettholtz is a woman named Sheryl. Sheryl is the single mom of a two-year-old boy, has her Master’s of Social Work and is a county probation officer.  She also owns her own business and in her free time counsels teen mothers. Recently, she spoke to a roomful of moms dealing with hardship, during a Mothers & More and YWCA event Brettholtz organized called “Power of a Purse.”

Says Brettholtz, “She might not log the most hours of ‘floor time’ with her toddler. Rather, she is a woman who lives up to her full human potential.  She is a role model to her child.  She shows him that he is not the center of THE universe, even if he is the center of HERS. Somewhere between her job as a mom and her job as a parole officer, she finds the time to counsel and inspire at-risk youth, domestic violence survivors and women at a loss for how to begin rebuilding their lives.”

How a mom mentor can help

The right mom mentor can provide just enough “propulsive energy” (positive attitude + passion), to motivate someone to make a change, fix a problem or reach her goals. With the inspiration and/or encouragement of a mom mentor, you might, for example, finally decide to start your home business, quit your job, face your mother-in-law, talk to your employer about how he treats you, re-structure your work arrangement, join a mothers group, tackle an addiction, volunteer at school or attend marriage counseling. Often people just need to see someone else doing something to believe it can, in fact, be done.

Mom mentoring isn’t always about helping a mother uncover her path or solve a problem. Often, mentors just lend an ear. Melissa VanGessel from Grand Rapids, MI Chapter 137 was inspired by Sheila, a mother whose son she taught in preschool, kindergarten and fourth grade. “Besides my husband and parents, Sheila is the one person who really helped me through infertility struggles and a miscarriage.  She was a constant shoulder to lean on and was available whenever I needed to talk or cry.”

Brettholtz speculates on how Sheryl’s influence will unfold on the mothers she inspired that afternoon at the YWCA, and with her own little boy. “Seeing her in action makes me realize that to me, a good mom is one who is simply a good person. I think of the man that Sheryl’s sweet little boy will one day become. I can imagine him, full of respect for women; a supportive father; a servant of the community and a man who knows he is deeply loved and who has a heart full of love to give back.  He has strength, confidence and the power to do anything he sets his mind to, because that’s what his mommy does each and every day.”

Network to find mom mentors

Whether we are at home, in the workforce, or somewhere in between, mothers always find ways to link up through our interests. They connect online, at playgrounds, boardrooms, workshops, churches, grocery stores, conventions, through business and trade organizations and in their neighborhoods. This networking across a broad range of interests is one of the best ways to connect with like-minded women and to find a mentor in a particular area. While networking comes naturally to some, for others it is a learned skill but one that even the most socially timid can master with relative ease.

For every interest, issue, hobby or parenting challenge, there is a local or national organization (such as Mothers & More) available for support, leadership and information. Whether a mother joins an online social networking group or attends an executive women’s conference, any informed individual or group can provide an opportunity to open doors, provide insights or help solve a specific problem. A mom mentor can help you take that next step in your life.

“I work and volunteer with all kinds of women around Dallas,” explains Debra Levy, president of Mothers & More. “It is extremely empowering to be with them, doing anything from community service to an event, to just listening to their experience. You get the feel for how they ‘do it,’ and how you might ‘do it,’ in turn.”

As mothers, we gravitate towards one another other across our diversity and within our common mothering experiences. We face issues that transcend being a woman, a minority, married, divorced, a person of color, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, disabled, Republican, Democrat, wealthy, middle class, impoverished, young or elderly. Every day, we seek others who have faced a particular challenge or forged an opportunity. In these connections we gain nuggets of wisdom, we feel supported, we gain priceless insights from women who have “been there, done that.”  

Laura Owens is a freelance writer and a member of Orlando, FL Chapter 216. She lives in Orlando with her husband, 11-year-old daughter, and pet pug.